Bad Mommy

I feel like a bad mom. The past two days have been hell on my nerves and I can't even adequately describe why. Everything Sydney has done has irked me....and I don't want to say this but I must...I've almost felt like I don't even want her around me. *gasp* What is wrong with me?!?!? Its not even like she has been super fussy--she has been pretty fussy though. I'm pretty sure she has just been her normal rambunctious self (although it could also be separation anxiety when I leave the room...or she's finally getting more teeth--which is a very good reason to be fussy) But I've just been getting SOOOOO irritated with her! Maybe its PMS...oh how I hope that's it. I can't stand feeling like this. She is my whole world.

It started yesterday. It was like everything she got into or did was something she wasn't supposed to do. Like she's supposed to really understand NO! and STOP! at 10 months old right? I should be ashamed of myself...but I actually found myself almost yelling at her. (wow--seeing this written down makes me feel even worse!) Then we went to a playgroup at a friends house. There were a bunch of other mom's and babies there that we hang out with all the time. All the other mommies were following their kids, or playing with their kids...like any good mommy would...but what did I do? Watch as Sydney frolicked around the backyard, called her name when she got too far, or tried to walk down the step without help, took pictures from afar...and just relaxed...sortof. I mean I pushed her in the swing for a bit (she actually liked it which is alot better than before when she would scream bloody murder the second her bottom touched the seat of a swing) and played with her a little bit. Mostly I remarked to other moms about how she was being psycho and I was getting so irritated with her and how I felt like a bad mom. Most of the moms that I feel like I could call friend sympathized and even remarked themselves about how it happens...i'm not a bad mom...yadda yadda. But (and this may sound crazy) I felt like whenever I said I was a bad mom, and how Sydney was crazy the other moms that didn't say anything were secretly judging me. Like "how can she say these things?" "how can she be so uncaring" How can she think these things about such a darling little girl?"

I know I know that sounds crazy...and its probably just my own guilt talking. Because I DO feel guilty. VERY GUILTY for feeling this way. I mean I know in my heart that I'm not a bad mommy. And I'm sure all moms feel this way at some point or another. But I just feel like I haven't been giving her my all, my everything because I'm just so ANNOYED with her and it hurts my heart.

To top it all off I feel like I'm also being a bad "wife." Now I KNOW that's ridiculous. And I know he loves me and understands and is totally and completely there for me. But it doesn't change the fact that I still feel bad.

Well...right now I actually feel better. I guess part of it is ranting and raving and getting this all out. And part of it was being out today at another playgroup and talking with other moms who I know have felt this way before (because we have talked about it before) And part of it is because Sydney is doing SO well now with sleeping at night, and she's been in bed since 8:30. And part of it is because I am enjoying a VERY LARGE glass of wine after a very delicious supper that I cooked (and did a damn fine job of it too if I do say so myself) And because I know in my heart of hearts that Sydney's acting up is probably due to teething or she just wants to have me around, holding her or being near her all the time. And I'm just getting irritated with her because I've had a long week, and I do alot and its just building up and stressing me out.

I love her so much. She is the smartest, most beautiful, most animated and rambunctious child and she's all mine--and Chris's I guess ;-)

I'm not a bad mommy...most of the time. But its a hard job to do and it can sometimes make me crazy. But I wouldn't trade a minute of it! And I wouldn't change a thing...well except maybe if she could be a little less crazy all over place all the time! lol j/k

This is my life now. My life as mommy. And its very different than my life before. But so wonderful and rewarding (most of the time :-P) So what if it makes me a little insane. What's life without a little insanity now and then?!

My first Blog

Okay so here we go. I think I'm a little late in starting this blog since my daughter is almost 10 months old--but better late than never right? Its funny to me that I never thought to do this until now. What took me so long? Maybe I was just lazy or thought I never really had the time. I mean its pretty much a full time job just running around after my little munchkin, but its also so important to have some way of documenting my life as a mom. I guess I've just never been good at keeping a diary or journal--I'm just not consistent enough--but I feel like now is as good a time as any.

I remember a time before when I wanted to write. Like professionally write. But I could never keep myself motivated enough, or inspired enough to start (or finish) anything. I love the written word. I consider myself to be a good speaker, but I definitely think I am much better at portraying my thoughts and emotions through the written word. I can think about what I want to say and know exacly how I want to say it, but once the words leave my lips they sometimes get all jumbled and I don't get it out exactly right. When I write its almost like magic--exactly what I mean or what I think, exactly how I want to say it.

Anyhow, here goes. I am making myself a promise. Right now, today, I am promising myself I will stick to this blog. I will document my thoughts, my feelings, my everyday doings, whether extraordinary or mediocre, things I learn, things I teach, and how much and how fast my daughter and my life is growing. I can't promise how often I will post although I am going to try to post once a week. This is it. This I WILL stick with. And I hope for any of you out there who actually decide to read this I won't get too boring.

I think that's it for today. The little booger has arisen and must be tended to. Its too pretty out to stay inside and we have a date at the park to uphold. Until next time!